100 Foreskins: A Marriage Sermon
This August we’re doing a sermon series on Stories They Never Taught You in Sunday School. This weekend’s story was Saul’s demand for 100 foreskins as the price for David to marry Michal. It’s in 1 Samuel 18 but, really, the sermon tracks the entire David and Michal relationship, from 1 Samuel 16 to 2 Samuel 6.
Next week: Paul preaches in Acts 20 and literally bores someone to death.
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100 Foreskins: A Marriage Sermon
A few weeks ago, my son Gabriel and I went to Guatemala with a mission team from Aldersgate. Our first leg was the 6:00 AM flight to Miami.
Because I was scared to death of oversleeping and missing our flight, I decided not to sleep at all. Instead I stayed up all night, watching every episode of the Walking Dead, manically packing and repacking my bags and eating three cans of Salt and Vinegar Pringles and two entire jars of kosher pickles.
Needless to say, by take-off I was red-eyed, exhausted and had inside me at least as much gas as the plane itself.
Because Gabriel insisted on the aisle seat, I got stuck with the middle. The window was already taken with a woman who was typing on her phone and had a People magazine on her lap.
She looked to be in her fifties. She had perfectly permed hair and she was wearing large costume jewelry- the kind that go with real estate balloons or cocktail glasses.
While everyone else on the plane was wearing sweats, jeans or yoga pants, she was wearing a pantsuit- as though the mannequin in the Talbots window had suddenly come to life and decided to catch a flight to Miami.
She looked, I thought, like a retired Stepford Wife, and so when she turned towards me, held out her moisturized hand and said: ‘My name’s Daphne’ I thought to myself ‘Of course it is.’
And when I asked if she was going on vacation to Florida and she said ‘No, I live in Miami’ I thought to myself ‘Of course you do.’
I’d planned- hoped- to sleep the entire flight.
However I hadn’t planned on how a 6 year old could complicate such plans. Where I was nearly catatonic with fatigue, by take-off Gabriel had already eaten two glazed donuts, a pack of Lifesavers, several pieces of bubblegum and was jacked up on an alchemy of Cherry Coke and airplane anticipation.
Sleep was the last thing on his mind therefore sleep was going to be the last thing I got on the flight- what, with Gabriel asking every 4 seconds:
Daddy, can you reach that?
Daddy, can you get my comic book?
Daddy, can I watch a movie on your iPad?
Daddy, when will we be there?
Daddy, do they have candy in Guatemala?
Daddy, if we crash on an island, like in Lost, do you have any skills to keep us alive?
‘No’ I shamefully admitted.
Realizing sleep was going to be an impossibility I decided to read instead, and I pulled out a book: Tim Keller’s The Meaning of Marriage.
I was re-reading it to prepare for this sermon.
But that was the last thing I’d ever say to a stranger on a plane because then they might think that I’m a pastor.
I’ve learned the hard way that being strapped to a chair with no where to go but the toilet is about the last place you want tell someone you’re a minister.
For example-
There was a different flight to Guatemala, years ago. An elderly Spanish woman was sitting next to me. She was terrified of flying and when she found out I was a man of the cloth, she death-gripped my arm and wept ‘Padre, Padre, Padre’ over and over and then insisted I pray the ‘Our Father’ for the duration of the flight.
Ever since then I try never, ever to tell someone on a plane what it is I do for a living. In fact, I just try to avoid conversation.
Ironically, I’ve found the best way to avoid conversation is by pulling out a bible and letting it lay open on my lap, turned suggestively to somewhere in the Book of Revelation.
Not even Christians want to start a conversation with that kind of person.
But this time I didn’t have my bible. In my bleary-eyed exhaustion I’d mistakenly packed it in my checked luggage. All I had in my carry-on was a theology book- definitely not an option- and a book on marriage.
I pulled the book out of my backpack as the Fasten Seatbelt sign dinged off, and I opened it on my lap.
As soon as I did so, I could feel Daphne’s mascara-heavy eyes no longer reading her article about Tom and Kate but instead bearing down on me with gossipy curiosity: Here’s this man with blood-shot eyes… and a child… and no mother in sight…reading a how-to on marriage…must be trouble on the home front…I could feel her thinking.
‘Are you getting married?’ she asked pointedly and cast an eyebrow Gabriel’s way as if to suggest ‘you’re doing it all backwards.’
When I replied ‘Oh no, I’m already married’ she let out a sigh and said ‘That’s good.’
A moment or two passed. I turned a few pages until I landed on a chapter entitled ‘The Secret of Marriage.’
Daphne’s curiosity was killing her. I could feel it.
‘Are you a counselor? she probed.
‘No’ I said and pretended to go back to reading while she sat there dying to know why I might reading this particular book.
‘Are you a psychologist?’
‘Nope’ I said and left her to stew.
I turned a few pages more. Daphne shifted restlessly in her seat, trying not to appear like she was reading over my shoulder.
When the suspense finally got the better of her, she just blurted it out:
‘Are you and your wife having trouble? Is that it?’
And maybe because her question struck me as a bit forward coming from someone who’d only known me since we’d reached cruising altitude.
Or maybe because I’d gone 24 hours with no sleep and my insides were constricting from cabin pressure and gas pains.
Or maybe because the delighted look I spotted behind her fake eyelashes reminded me of a cat about to pounce on an unsuspecting ball of yarn.
Whatever the reason, I decided then and there to screw with her.
Gabriel was busy watching True Grit on my iPad and couldn’t out me.
So I gathered my breath as though I was about to unload a terrible burden and I said: ‘Yes, my wife and I are having trouble.’
‘The worst kind’ I said. My voice heavy with appropriate sorrow and resignation.
‘Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that’ she lied.
Then she turned in her seat to face me.
‘You poor thing.’ She patted my thigh and for a moment I thought she might pull out a cookie and a glass of milk from her matching Coach handbag.
‘Goodness, I didn’t even get your name’ she said.
‘David,’ I replied. ‘You can call me Dave.’
‘Nice to meet you, Dave.’
‘Nice to meet you too, Daphne.’
‘What kind of trouble are you and your wife having? Money problems? Lots of young couples have problems over money.’
‘No, nothing like that’ I sighed.
‘You can tell me.’
‘Gosh, I don’t know where to start’ and I threw up my hands like I was lost in my own despair.
‘Why not start at the beginning?’
‘The beginning? I…I guess I could do that’ I said, biting my lip with uncertainty.
She stuck People magazine into the seat pocket in front of her, a sign to let me know she was all ears to whatever heartache I needed her to assuage.
‘I guess it all started when I killed a man’ I said nonchalantly and watched as Daphne accidentally swallowed her chewing gum.
‘…took his head clean off, this huge guy.’
Daphne shifted uncomfortably in her seat.
‘I was in the military’ I explained.
‘Oh, where did you serve?’
‘In the Middle East,’ I said, ‘in the Philistine region.’
She nodded and pretended to know where that was.
‘Well, anyway my wife’s father, Sal, he took notice of me and offered me a job.’
‘What sort of work?’ she asked.
‘He’s in politics’
‘And is that how you and your wife met?’
‘No, I wish it was that simple. No, I hadn’t been working for him for very long when he had first episode. That’s what my wife calls it anyway, an episode. Personally, I think something just possessed him. At any rate he just came off his hinges one day and attacked me. Tried to kill me. It was crazy’
‘Goodness’ Daphne said, licking her lips over this unexpected morsel of melodrama. ‘And you and your wife started dating after that?’
‘No, actually I dated her sister for a while. We were even going to get married.’
‘What happened?’
‘She ran off and married another guy.’
‘Oh, I’m sorry’ Daphne said and I could see in her eyes that she was wondering what sort of Jerry Springer Show home I must be raising Gabriel in.
‘Don’t be sorry’ I said. ‘Michelle- that’s my wife- we started dating practically the next day. We fell in love in no time. We were wild for each other. I would’ve done anything for her. I mean you wouldn’t believe the crazy things I gave her just to prove how much I loved her.’
‘What kinds of crazy things?’ Daphne giggled.
‘Foreskins’ I said.
‘Hundreds of them.’
But she must’ve misheard me over the engine noise because she started to tell me how her husband bought her a mink last Christmas but that it’s never cold enough in Miami to wear it.
Just then the stewardess came by with the beverage cart. Daphne ordered a Diet Coke. I asked for a black coffee. Daphne took a sip and asked ‘So when did your troubles start?’
‘Honestly, they started right after we got married. I blame it on her father. He just had it in for me. It got so bad Michelle had to choose between us. She cut off contact with her Dad completely.’
‘That’s a lot of stress on a brand new marriage’ Daphne observed.
‘I know’ I sighed like a Tennessee Williams character.
‘But we got past it. Or I thought we had.’
‘You see right after that I got busy with my career and I spent less and less time at home. And I’m successful, I’m good at what I do. Michelle thinks I care more about my subjects- I mean my clients- than I do my own wife.’
‘There are an awful lot of husbands who can’t show their wives the same kindness they show everyone else’ Daphne said, and I stopped to wonder if maybe she was speaking first hand.
‘I know,’ I said, ‘I’m probably guilty of that too I suppose.’
‘I’m sure you’re not like that David.’
‘Oh, I don’t know. I haven’t even told you told you the worst of it.’
‘So tell me.’ Daphne encouraged.
‘Well, I threw this party. Our boss was coming into town; he hadn’t been there in years and he’s not the sort of boss you want to get on the bad side of, if you know what I mean. So I threw this party of like biblical proportions. Anyway I was dancing. I’ve always loved music. I even write songs in my spare time.
I guess I just got caught up in the music. I wasn’t even drinking. Before I knew what had happened I was dancing completely naked.’
Daphne blushed. ‘That’s disgusting’ she said.
‘Well, uh, what do you mean disgusting? Anyway, Michelle didn’t like that.’
‘No, I imagine she wouldn’t’ Daphne said.
‘Yeah, we had a big fight, one of those arguments where you’re both twisting and turning the other’s words back on them. Michelle said everyone else’s praises had gone to my head, that I believed everything people said about me, that I had a Messiah complex. And I got angry, I guess because I knew it was true.’
‘That’s the thing about marriage,’ Daphne said and started to play with her wedding ring, ‘your spouse sees you for who you really are not who you like to think you are. Marriage exposes you and that kind of truth can hurt.’
‘I guess I feel like we’ve both changed’ I said. ‘Michelle and I, we’re not the same people we were when we first fell in love and got married.’
‘Well of course you’ve changed’ Daphne said, ‘what did you expect? Marriage changes us. Having kids changes us. A career changes us. Age changes us. You’ve got to learn to love the person your spouse is now not hold on to who you thought they were when you first got married.’
‘I don’t know’ I said. ‘I think it might be too late for Michelle and me.’
‘It’s never too late’ Daphne said.
‘I don’t know about that. I think it’s probably too late for Michelle and me. Too much history you could say.’
‘I’ve always said if you both just try to love your spouse like Jesus loves us then a marriage can get through anything’ Daphne said.
I was shocked to hear the word Jesus come out of her mouth.
‘You’re a Christian?’ I asked.
She nodded. ‘Read my bible every day.’
Not all of it, I thought.
‘I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to interrupt. What were you saying?’
‘Just that Jesus loves us not for who we are but for who his love can make us. Jesus didn’t look out for himself or make himself first; he gave himself up for us even when we didn’t deserve it. I think that’s the recipe for forgiveness in any kind of relationship.’
And I just sat there, staring at this strange woman.
‘Too preachy?’ she asked.
‘No,’ I said, ‘I was just thinking that’s actually really good advice.’
‘Well, Dave, you just put it to good use.’
We talked a bit more, about Tom Cruise and Kate What’s-Her-Name, about the weather this time of year in Miami, about my prolific career in politics.
Finally I put my chair back and closed my eyes for about 3.5 seconds before Gabriel asked me to take him to the bathroom.
Later, when we got off the plane, I saw Daphne pulling her suitcase behind her down the terminal.
She was talking to someone on her phone: ‘So I met this man named David. What till I tell you his story. You won’t believe it.’
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